"Let go and Let God..."
Tonight I was spending some much needed snuggle time with my baby girl. As I lay on the floor and listen to her sweet coos I asked myself how it was that two precious little things had completely captured my heart!
Because the babies are only 13 months apart, the running joke is that my next one will be on it's way soon. Since we have gotten the news about Hayden, I have put a lot of thought into whether or not I would want more children. I would certainly want genetic counseling to just see if we are carriers of the chormosome deletion at the very least---and from there I want to assure that my husband and I make a very informed decision as to whether or not we decide to expand out family.
(For those of you who know me well, this probably comes as a surprise to you! That's right I went from wanting 6--to wanting 4--- to now being 100% happy if these are my only 2!)
Now, I am going to share a story that many people do not know.
When I found out I was pregnant again it was shortly after Hayden had been released from the hospital and right at the peak of his seizures. I was stressed...sad...scared... and I certainly was not expecting that news! I kept very quiet during the first trimester. My husband supported my wishes to continue to have our focus on Hayden and his well-being at that time. Together we decided to not tell anyone about the pregnancy until it was definite and until I had more time to organize my thoughts and feelings.
I am not proud of my reaction. I look at my daughter now and think to myself "How for one second could anyone not want something so perfect." But, I am also not ashamed to be honest with myself and my emotions. I was angry. I thought God was trying to punish me... I thought he was sending me a "replacement" for my little boy.
These feelings remained strong through most of the pregnancy.
As time went on the pressure did begin to ease...the excitement slowly evolved...
But, it wasn't until I held her in my arms that I finally realized-- She is not a replacement at all. She is a much needed addition to our little family. Yes, prior to her grand entrance, I didn't even know we had such a large part of our life missing.
So tonight, with my sweet baby girl in my arms I reflected on the past...and daydreamed about the furture. It occured to me...all I need to do is let go.....and let God.
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